Soulful Sadhak

There is a dictator, who’s living in my head. He tells me what to do, and keeps me awake in bed. And why I listen to him? Honestly, I don’t really know I just do what he tells me to Why can’t I just let go? He says: ‘If you let go you’ll be lost’ ‘If you let go you’ll go mad’ Facing a wall inside your head? And I feel all heaven will fall down, just because that’s what he said But maybe there is life beyond these dictator’s walls enclosing me If I stopped listening to him then maybe I could be free I could go and walk in the sun, enjoy it shining on my face Just sit down and have some fun And not be trapped in that small space It would be like a revolution, and heaven ‘d rejoice and sing So why can’t I make the resolution And for once do my own thing?

I live simply I have enough I am enough Ik stootte onlangs op dit citaat. De eerste twee zinnen zijn altijd relatief makkelijk voor mij geweest, de derde veel minder. Eerst wou ik hier een zenmeester worden, die altijd alles onder controle had en altijd zijn rust bewaarde. Toen ik erachter kwam dat dat nastreven veeleer een averechts effect had en ik juist de dingen op me af moest laten komen, begon ik eindelijk meer rust te ervaren. Maar toen ik die rust dan had, dacht ik dat het tijd was om mij op iets anders te richten, meer bepaald op ‘de ander’ en dat ik meer mijn best doen om sociaal te zijn en er te zijn voor anderen. Maar ook daar, hoe meer ik het probeerde, hoe meer moeite het me kostte en hoe verder ik van mijn doel verwijderd leek (Hoe doe je dat, ‘er volledig voor een ander zijn’, klinkt vrij onmogelijk eens je erover begint na te denken.) Tot ik las: I am enough. Gijs, je bent zoals je bent en je bent genoeg, sociaal genoeg, empathisch genoeg. En dat is niet perfect, maar...

Sometimes I sit and look at all the stupid things I’ve done So many years it took and only so far I have come Sometimes I want to let go sit back and let it all be If I just would not struggle so maybe one day I’d be free Sometimes I really feel sore but also feel great relief as if I will suffer no more Those times great grace I receive     For as long as I will fight and struggle to change God’s plan I know I’ll not sit down and write: I live my life as a free man

Today I faced my biggest fear. What could that be, would one think. What could a healthy 25 year old, who lives in a peaceful and quiet Buddhist monastery in the sunny south of France of all places be afraid of? There are no drugs and violence here, not even stress and competition, only some rats and an occasional shower. What could there be scary here? Are you afraid to look inside your mind? Well my dear friends, the most scary thing in the world is actually quite close, especially here, it's there all the time, waiting for you behind the corner, until one day you run into it, or rather, it hits you when you stop running for it. The most scary thing there is... is your own mind.  You see, usually we are too busy too look into our own minds, usually we are running around like headless chickens, trying to achieve this, or wanting to get away from that, stuck in some form of stress or some idea that keeps us going. But once we slow down and see, really look our mind in the eye, then...

I am the drop of water wanting to return to the ocean I want to move and stop motion go beyond each and every notion, a journey we were made to do the journey nowhere to I am the drop of water wanting to return to the ocean I want to find the ending of the stream and awaken from the dream, of all things be free and no longer be ‘me’ I am the drop of water wanting to return to the ocean I want to go deeper and deeper down to be as water and in water drown, beyond the surface a deep dark blue finally breaking through I am the drop of water wanting to return to the ocean I want to be done with all of this and dissolve in nothingness, find it does not really exist let it float in emptiness The drop of water will be done all be one and one be none The source is the ocean I am the drop of water wanting to return to the ocean I am the drop of water wanting to return to the ocean